


I'll Get Over It

by todaywasasherlockday (orphan_account)



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But they get their heads out of their asses eventually, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-06
Updated: 2015-05-13
Packaged: 2018-03-29 06:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3886549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/todaywasasherlockday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Jim confesses his love, Spock tells him that he doesn't feel the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

This was not among the outcomes Spock had anticipated when he arrived for his weekly chess game with the Captain. He had calculated the possibility of this before and came to the conclusion that it was among one of the least likely things to occur in the history of the universe. Less than 0.0000000000000000000001% chance to be precise. Yet, here he was, sitting in front of his Captain as his commanding officer confessed his love. Not for a women, the Enterprise, or even his crew, no he was confessing his love, his romantic love for Spock.

"I know that this might change our relationship, but I can't keep this bottled up anymore... Spock... Spock... I love you." His blue eyes were wide and hopeful.

"Captain..."

"Jim." The captain corrected automatically.

"Jim. I am sorry..."

"It's fine Spock. I get it. Who could love me, right?" Jim cut Spock off with a self deprecating smile. One that Spock had seen before, but not recently.

"That is not what I was going to say. Jim, you are more than worthy of love, but I am Vulcan. I cannot give you what you seek."

Suddenly, Jim was angry, "Can't give me what I want? That's bullshit Spock, what I want is love. To be loved back. Nothing more, and if you can't give me that. Fine, but don't waste you're fucking excuses on me."

"Jim." Spock started. He wanted to wrap the captain up in his arms and tell him that he loved him, but he did not allow himself to do that. He knew that he cared for the Captain deeply but it was not in his nature to be in romantic relationships. He knew that the Captain deserved more than Spock. More than the emotionally stunted half-vulcan he knew himself to be. He knew that, if he allowed himself, he would fall in love with the Captain but not be able to show it. Then Jim would leave, he would leave because he would think that Spock didn't love him. Spock couldn't bear to let that happen.

"Get out, Spock." Jim cut Spock off again.

"Jim. I am truly sorry."

"I am too. I'll get over it, Spock, I promise. Just give me a while, then we can go back to being just friends, ok?" Jim looked so sad.

Suddenly, Spock wanted to throw himself at his captain and beg him never to "get over it". Instead, he turned and left.

As the doors slide shut behind him, he heard a thump and a muffled sob. Jim must have fallen on his bed and is crying into his pillow.


	2. Chapter 2

Spock knew that the Captain would be distant for at least 1.74 weeks after his declaration of love and Spock's rejection. As much as Spock had never actually said that he did not love Jim, he knew that that is how it came across the the Captain.

However, it has been 3.36 weeks and Jim has not said a word to Spock outside of what is required while they are on duty. Quite illogically, Spock missed his friend. He needed to meditate.

* * *

 

It was a month to the day since Jim's confession, when Spock's door buzzer sounded as he was reading over his mission report for the last away mission he had gone on. To the Vulcan's surprise, it was Jim. He was smiling.

"Captain. To what do I owe the pleasure?" Spock asked, as he stepped aside to let the Captain into his quarters.

"It's Friday."

"Indeed. However, I fail to see how that is relevant to you being in my quarters."

"Our chess game? Surely you haven't forgotten."

"I was led to believe that those were temporarily put on hold due to extenuating circumstances."

Jim shrugged, "What can I say? I got over it."

Something unpleasant twisted in Spock's stomach at the connotation of Jim's statement, "Very well, Captain. I believe you were white."

Jim smiled widely, as he made his way over to the chess board that sat in the corner of Spock's quarters.

Spock won that night, because Jim was too busy staring at Spock's hands throughout the entire game.

* * *

On the walk back to his own quarters, Jim wasn't smiling as he normally did after his chess games with Spock. Instead, he was holding back tears. When he finally reached his door, and was safely behind it, he collapsed with his back pressed against the door. Seeing the man he loved and knowing that he didn't love him back was torture. He had to do it though. He had to lock up his feelings in a box marked DO NOT TOUCH because he needed Spock in his life. He needed the half-vulcan in his life even if it wasn't in the way that he so desperately wanted.

 


	3. Chapter 3

The weekly chess games continued. It seemed to Spock that the situation of Jim being in love with him was resolved. That Jim had resolved it by falling out of love with the Vulcan. For some reason, the thought that Jim didn't love him anymore saddened Spock.

In the wake of these feelings, Spock began to act entirely illogically around the Captain.

He began to follow the Captain around the ship, even if he needed to go in the opposite direction.

The first time it happened, the Captain was on his way to the medbay to check up on one of the injured crew members and Spock was on his way to the science labs, which were located 3 decks below the medbay. Still, he exited the turbolift with the Captain and fell into step beside him.

"I thought you were heading to the science labs, Mr. Spock." Jim said, breaking the slightly uneasy silence.

"Indeed, Captain. However, I find myself wanting to, as I believe the earth saying goes, 'stop and smell the flowers.'"

Instead of responding, Jim just glances at his first officer. Unfortunately, the Vulcan's stoic face betrays nothing.

He also began to touch Jim, never skin to skin contact, just a brushing of fingertips on his arm to draw his attention or a brief press of palm to his shoulder as he stood next to the Captain's chair and delivered his opinion on a matter.

Spock also began to notice that he always stood at least 60% closer to the Captain than he would anyone else. He did not fully understand why that was though.

Spock was baffled by his own behaviour. He needed to mediate. He needed to rein in these strange newfound habits and figure out what was causing them.

* * *

Jim was simultaneously ecstatic and perturbed by Spock behaviour. He noticed that Spock was around him more and he noticed whenever his first officer touched him. These newfound habits on Spock's part made it easy for Jim to pretend that Spock loved him back, until he remembered that the Vulcan had basically told him outright that he didn't feel that way about him. Unfortunately, Spock was making it nearly impossible for Jim to get over him.

Jim was lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling and contemplating everything he knew about himself. If someone had told him 3 years ago that he would be in love, he would have laughed in their face. He'd had girlfriends and boyfriends before but nothing he had ever felt for them even compared to what he was experiencing for Spock. He had never been in love before and he certainly never wanted the sort of long-term monogamous relationship that he wanted with Spock.

Suddenly, his door buzzed. Groaning, he sat up and moved to answer it, praying that it wasn't Spock. He just couldn't face him right now.

It was Bones. The grumpy doctor was holding a bottle of what looked like fine scotch and he was wearing a look of genuine concern.

Jim didn't even bother trying to put on a brave face for his friend.

Bones didn't bother asking if Jim was ok, he just pulled him into a fierce bear hug.

Jim starting to sob into his friends shoulder as the door swished shut behind the doctor.

Neither of them noticed the Vulcan who stood a few feet away who had seen the entire scene play out.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Spock didn't know what Jim behaviour the other night meant. Due to the liquor Dr. McCoy brought and Jim's sobbing, he doubted that the Captain and the Doctor were romantically involved. However, that was a possibility... He scolded himself. He needed to concentrate on the facts.

He knew that Jim was upset, and irrationally, he wanted to jump to the conclusion that Jim was still upset about his reaction to Jim's declaration 1.22 months ago. However, he did not have the evidence to reach that conclusion logically.

Instead of visiting the Captain as he had intended to do, he retreated to his own quarters and meditated through the entire night. He, unfortunately, did not come to any conclusion other than the ones he already knew; That he cared for Jim deeply. That the idea of Jim moving on and being in a romantic relationship with someone who was not him made his blood boil. He knew that he could fall in love with Jim if he allowed himself to. He also knew that a relationship between the Captain and himself had a 0.01% chance of long-term success. He knew all these things, but he could not think of a solution to the situation he found himself in.

His internal clock informed him that he should be starting to get ready for his shift, however, he ignored his reason and continued to ponder his growing feelings for the Captain.

* * *

Jim was on the bridge. It was 3 minutes into the Alpha shift and Spock had yet to arrive for duty. Jim glanced to the empty chair that his first officer should be occupying. Spock has never been late for a shift, normally he's the first person to arrive on the bridge.

The Captain sighed and slumped down in his chair. He would wait another few minutes before he called Spock.

A few minutes passed, and Spock still hadn't showed up.

"Computer, where is Mr. Spock?"

"In his quarters, sir."

Jim tried to use his communicator to contact Spock, but there was no answer.

Sighing Jim stood up, "I'm going to find Mr. Spock. Mr. Sulu you have the conn."

When Jim reached the door to Spock's quarters, he stood in front of the doors, steeling himself. Finally, he buzzed to be allowed entrance. When that was not answered, he used his Captain override.

The lights were off and it was completely silent inside Mr. Spock's room.

"Computer, lights." Jim ordered.

The lights came on slowly to reveal Mr. Spock sitting in the centre of his bed in an exceedingly human pose for the normal composed half-vulcan. He was sat with his arms wrapped around his legs which were pulled to his chest. He face was resting on his knees and his eyes seemed far away and pensive.

"Spock? Are you alright?"

Spock's head snapped up, "Jim! Why are you in my quarters?"

"I was looking for you... You're supposed to be on the bridge."

"Did you not get the letter that I sent to your PADD? I requested the day off as one of my mental health days." Spock said, sliding off his bed and regaining his normal pose.

That confused Jim. Spock had never used any of his sick time or his mental health days since Jim had known him. He barely even took shore leave.

"Why are you using your mental health day, Spock?"

"It's a topic I'd rather not discuss with you, Captain."

"Spock. I am your friend, and something is bothering you. Enough so that you do not feel capable to do your job satisfactorily. If you don't want to talk, that's fine. But know that I'm here if you ever need anything."

"Jim." It looked like Spock took a deep breathe before continuing,  "I cannot discuss these problems with you because you are involved in them."

"Oh.. Um.. Ok. I'll see you later then, Spock. I hope you figure out whatever it is."

"As do I, Captain."

Jim left Spock's quarters feeling very confused. What problem did Spock have that Jim created?

Suddenly, Jim realized what the problem was. SHIT.


	5. Chapter 5

Kirk quickly turned around. He needed to talk to Spock. He needed to explain himself.

Instead of buzzing, he knocks loudly on the door to Spock's quarters. Spock answers the door, looking like his normal self, but Jim could see a faint glimmer of panic behind Spock's eyes.

"Captain, I was under the impression that I told you that I did not want to discuss my private matters with you."

"I know, Spock. I just... need to tell you some things."

Spock raised his eyebrow, but stepped aside to let the Captain pass.

Steeling himself, Jim came face to face with the man who he was completely and totally in love with. The man who didn't love him back and was beating himself up over it.

"Spock... You know that I'm in love with you," Jim began and he noticed that Spock's hands, which were at his sides, tightened into fists, "I just.. I don't want you to think that I expect you to love me back or anything."

"Jim.."

"Spock, don't deny it. I know that you care about me, really, I do. I also know that you feel bad for hurting me. And I was hurt, but not by anything you did. It's not your fault that you don't love me... And there's no need to beat yourself up over it."

"Jim... I.. Why do you believe that I am?" Spock managed to get out, his brain was still stuck on Jim's declaration that he was still in love with the half-vulcan.

"You said that you can't give me what I want, Spock. And you looked almost  _sad_  to admit it. And since then, I've noticed you looking at me as if trying to convince yourself that you could love me. And besides, what other problem could you possibly be having that involves me so much so that you can't talk about it with me?"

"Jim. My problem is centred around my feelings for you, not my lack thereof."

"I... What?"

"As early as our meeting, I was aware that, if I allowed myself, I could develop deep and romantic feelings for you. However, I still cannot give you what you seek as a romantic partner."

"You... love me?"

"I am unsure of that."

"I... What?" Jim grew more and more confused as the conversation went on.

"I know that I care very deeply for you. I know that the thought of you in a romantic relationship with someone else causes an unpleasant emotion to present itself. However, I have not allowed myself to fall in love with you because of a multitude of reasons."

"And what are those reasons?"

"I am not exceedingly comfortable with public displays of affection that I have seen other romantically engaged couples participate in, and you, being a tactile man, would no doubt perceive this as either an annoyance or a proclamation that I am embarrassed to be with you. I have been called emotionally stunted on multiple occasions, and I will admit that it is somewhat fitting. Due to this, I will not be able to demonstrate affection very well even in private. This will cause you more annoyance and it will cause you to doubt whether I truly love you or not. Compiling all of these variables, including other minor ones, there is a 0.01% chance that a romantic relationship between yourself and myself would last longer than 6 months."

"Spock. What the hell!" Suddenly, Jim was angry, "I DON'T EXPECT THINGS FROM YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE GIVING."

"Jim... I cannot allow myself to love you." Spock replied.

"Why the hell not?" Jim replied, still seething.

"You will leave me. Besides, a platonic relationship has a 500% better chance of lasting long term than a romantic one." Spock looked almost sad to deliver those statistics.

"Goddamnit Spock, is this what this whole thing is about?"

"I'm afraid I do not understand the question."

"You are afraid that it won't work out. Without even giving it a chance first."

"I am not afraid, Jim. I am merely being logical." He still looked sad, as if he wished things could be different.

"Spock, no relationship, no matter it's nature or the people in it, has an incredibly good chance of long term commitment. Not without work, communication and understanding from all parties." Jim knew that he was trying to talk Spock into a relationship, but he knew that if he didn't at least try everything in this moment, he would lose the opportunity, maybe forever.

"Jim.... I.. I... Cannot lose you." Suddenly, Spock is sobbing. Being half-vulcan though, he doesn't have tear ducts so he's making terrible, heaving, choking sounds instead.


	6. Chapter 6

When Jim went into this conversation, he was expecting a lot of things; a crying Spock, however, was not on the list. Seeing his friend in such distress was painful, but he was not sure if Spock would welcome some form of physical comfort.

Instead, Jim stayed where he was, standing opposite the man he loved as he cried.

"Spock. It's ok. You won't lose me. No matter what, I'll be here. Really, I'm not going anywhere." He said, trying to console him.

"Jim." Suddenly, Jim had his arms full of a sobbing half-vulcan.

Jim quickly wrapped his arms around the other man, who was clinging to him like an octopus, and began to stroke his hair. "Spock. I love you. I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here. No matter what."

"Jim... I hated that month when you barely talked to me. It was horrible." Spock replied, burying his head into the crook of Jim's neck. He wasn't sobbing anymore, but Jim could tell that he would still have been crying if he'd had tear ducts to cry out of.

"Hey, it's ok. Spock. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." Jim knew he was just repeating himself by this point, but he didn't know how else to comfort Spock.

"You will. I cannot hold on to the people that I love, Jim. My mother died because of me. Nyota broke off our relationship because I was not affectionate enough. Eventually, you will leave me as well and I will be alone." Spock spoke all of this into Jim's neck, where his head was still nestled.

"I won't. I will never leave you. I promise." Jim replied, pushing Spock away from him slightly so that they could look into each other's eyes.

Spock saw nothing but sincerity in the Captain's eyes, despite not fully believing it himself, he chose the illogical answer to the situation. He raised an eyebrow and replied, "You will need to prove my theory wrong, Captain."

Jim smiled. Whimsically, Spock imagined that all the problems in the universe could be solved by that smile.

"I am glad to do it, Mr. Spock." Jim replied before pulling his first officer into a gentle kiss. The kind of kiss that is full of love, devotion, and hope. 


	7. 30 Years Later

The heat was stifling. It was summer in San Francisco. Jim and Spock sat on the roof of their house, enjoying their mutual day off. They still worked for Starfleet, but they were both part of admiralty now. Spock was content doing this, but he knew that Jim still craved the danger and excitement that being a starship captain brought along.

Jim was watching the clouds as they passed by, partly wishing he could be up there, and partly being content to just gaze upon them. He had made the decision to retire from active duty on a starship over 10 years ago. He still missed it on occasion, but never enough to consider going back to it. He turned to look at Spock, who was staring at him intently.

"What?"

"I love you."

Jim smiled, the same smile he had all those years ago when they had started dating. The one that Spock maintains could solve all the universe's problems. Only now, Jim's face was slightly more weathered and he had smile lines around his eyes and some grey streaked through his golden hair.

"I love you, too."

"DAD?! PAPA?!" They heard some crashing and banging as their daughter, T'Lila climbed the stairs to the roof.

"Up here Lily!" Jim yelled back. They both stood up to greet the girl.

A second later, the one-quarter Vulcan girl came bursting through the door. She was just over 10 years old, with black hair and stunning blue eyes. There was a slight point to her ear and curve to her eyebrows though that betrayed her to being part vulcan.

"Papa! We talked about you in school today! Is it true you and Dad saved the world?"

"It would be more accurate to say that we saved many worlds, but indeed, we did save the Earth." Spock replied as he stooped down to give their daughter a hug.

"That's so cool! Can you two come talk to my class?!" The little girl was buzzing with excitement as she glanced between her parents. She'd known before today that her dads were famous, but not really why or what for.

"I don't see why not."

"I am sure that could be arranged." Spock replied, standing back up. As he did so, Jim subtly brushed his fingers against his husband's.

T'Lila's eyes widened, "EWWWWW. Don't kiss in front of me! I'm gonna go throw up and then make some lunch."

Jim laughed as he watched his daughter disappear down the stairs.

When he was able to stop, he turned to Spock only to find that his husband was staring at him.

"What?"

"I wish to thank you for keeping your promise." Spock replied.

"What promise?" Jim asked, confused.

"You promised not to leave me."

Jim pulled his husband into a human kiss. When he pulled back, he smiled, "It's my absolute pleasure."


End file.
